Hormones... the telegraph system of the body.
[T ELEGRAPH KEY]
Sometime between the ages of nine and sixteen...
they wiLL start to teLL your body to change... very fast.
[FASTER TELEGRAPH KEY]
This movie's rated "H" for hurl.
Mr. Matthews, calm down and watch the film.
The changes won't aLL be physical.
Sometimes you'll feeL Like you're on...
an emotional roller coaster.
[ROLLER COASTER]
For instance...
you may occasionally feeL aggressive or weepy.
Shawn, I'm feeling so vulnerable.
Do you have a tissue?
Shh!
And remember. girLs. you'll get your hormonal telegram...
weLL ahead of your boy classmates.
MAN: telegram for Miss Teenager.
NARRA TOR: GirLs. be patient whiLe they catch up to you.
Eventually. everyone hears the Morse code of puberty.
I got your Morse code right here.
[PBFFT]
This film is meant to help you understand...
the metamorphosis your bodies will soon be going through.
How? That movie's a hundred years old.
The telegram boy was played by George Burns.
I welcome the changes that will transform me...
from a caterpillar into a butterfly.
You say a butterfly. I say a hairball with wings.
- Hah! - Hah!
That's a beautiful outlook, Miss Lawrence.
Beautiful? I've seen hormones...
turn a normal guy's face into craters 'r' us.
Yes, there will be side effects, but those, thank goodness...
will be the province of your seventh-grade teacher.
- If it happens. - oh, it will happen.
Maybe, maybe not. I mean, I'm young, and I'm fast.
I can dodge hormones for days... years if I have to.
I'm going to stay twelve tiLL I'm forty-two.
And Shawn's in with me on this the whoLe way.
Right. Shawn?
Shawn?
[SNAPPING] Shawn?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Tell me something. How do you ask a girl out?
Simple. You open the door...
and say, "Get out. You're bothering me."
No, I mean, like, on a date.
Well, Eric uses the shotgun approach.
He just keeps dialing random numbers...
till he hears the word "yes."
Sounds like a lot of work.
Yeah, and after all that, what do you got?
A girl. What's the point?
Excuse me.
I couldn't help overhearing your pathetic conversation.
Perhaps you two neophytes would like some coaching...
from a seasoned veteran.
OK, Minkus, let's pretend for just a minute...
that I'm actually interested in what you've got to say.
Well, girls are soft, caring, gentle creatures of nature...
yet so complex and mysterious.
Minkus, get a cat.
Here. My research material.
- Perky magazine? - Perky tells girls...
everything they want to know about themselves.
Therefore, if we read it...
we'll know everything about them, too.
It's the road map to their very souls.
"Shaving your legs... how high is high enough?"
Your little friend there hasn't gotten his telegram yet.
"Mascara... use it, don't abuse it."
Well, um, as long as I don't actually have to go...
to the newsstand and buy it...
I might as well borrow it for a couple days.
"Guys with one eyebrow... what's their problem?"
You know, this is the encyclopedia...
to everything you don't want to know.
Yeah. Can you imagine reading this kind of garbage?
I know. Every morning when I look for a magazine...
to hide in my math book, I think...
Sports illustrated? Road and Track?
Or, wait, how about the lip gloss issue of Perky?
Hi, Shawn.
Huh-huh-huh-huh.
Would you like to go to the movies with me?
Huh-huh-huh-huh.
Great. We can meet at my locker after school...
and my mom will drop us off at the mall.
See ya later, terminator.
Hee hee hee hee hee. Hee hee hee.
Did she just tell a joke I didn't get?
Hee hee hee hee hee.
- Shawn, stop laughing. - I can't.
Whoa. I don't even know what just happened.
I'm feeling really weird, Cory. Heh heh heh heh heh.
You look really weird. Shawn, what's happening?
I don't know. Ha ha ha.
You're scaring me. Shawn, talk to me.
I can't talk about it.
I can laugh about it, but I cannot talk about it.
OK, so we're in front of the movie theater.
First hurdle... did she pay, or did you pay?
Eric, we snuck in.
She agreed to a criminal act. I like this girl.
Then I go to get the popcorn, right?
All right. Very important... did she offer to pay?
We split it right down the middle.
She's a keeper.
Of course, I sprung for...
the artificial buttery-flavored topping.
Nice touch. You know, I could really make you into something.
What are you guys doing?
Uh, do you mind? We're talking here.
Well, you can't be talking to Shawn...
'cause Shawn told me he can't talk to anybody.
Did you forget about our basketball game?
Sorry, Cory, I guess I lost track of the time.
Hang on a minute, Cory. This is guy stuff, oK?
Basketball is guy stuff.
Ha ha! They're so cute at this age.
All right, so you and Hilary...
are sitting in the movie theater.
- What'd you go see? - Like we watched the movie.
Don't tell me you...
Yes. We threw malt balls at people's heads for two hours.
Well, not the way I would've gone...
but, hey, you're still playing in the minors.
You know, Shawn, there's probably another solid hour...
of basketball light out there.
Come on. Let's go.
You know who I'm sitting in the car with? Nobody.
Morgan, can't we do this next week?
No. Mother's Day is Sunday, and I need a present.
That's right. I need to get one, too.
I've been racking my brain real hard...
for a special gift for Mom.
OK, what do you want me to pick up?
Oh, whatever's laying around.
Move it, mall boy.
Let's go shoot some hoops.
Wouldn't you rather play a little one-on-one with Hilary?
Come on, Cor. Let's just go play.
No. You made it perfectly clear.
She throws malt balls as well as I do.
You know what? If you hold the malt ball...
in your mouth for a minute right before you throw it...
it really sticks in people's hair.
- Did Hilary teach you that? - Yeah. She's majorly twisted.
Oh, and suddenly I'm not?
Cory, what's the big deal? It's always been you and me.
It's you and me now...
and it's going to be you and me forever.
Nothing has changed.
I'm going to go sit with Hilary.
Oh, yeah. Nothing's changed.
All right, Shawn wants to be with a girl?
TWo can play at that game.
First stop... research.
Minkus, let's talk Perky.
Ah, your telegram has finally arrived.
No, this isn't romance. It's revenge.
TWo sides of the same hormone.
All right, bottom line...
what does that magazine say you've got to do...
to get a girl to go out with you?
Me? Almost nothing.
But you, it's going to take some effort.
And you wonder why you sit alone at lunch.
Here's your first dating tip.
Don't insult the boy with the Perkys.
I'm sorry. All right, so what do I have to do?
According to the survey in the September issue...
what do you think is the number one thing...
girls want from a guy?
Uh, loose change?
That's number nine.
The number one thing is shared interest.
And that means...
Cory, this isn't algebra.
This is something you can conceivably understand.
Shared interests. Talk to me.
If she's into something, show an interest in it.
Example... if the girl you're dating...
is interested in numismatics, you talk about...
Numizmos?
Coins.
All right, give me number two on that list...
just in case I can't fake an interest in something.
- Sense of humor. - No problem.
I'm a regular laugh riot.
All right, so how do I select a lucky girl?
Well, just think of someone...
you're completely comfortable with...
someone you could share a meal with...
and someone who doesn't mind having you around.
Well, my mom's already taken.
Cory, just go for the first thing in a dress.
A dress. A dress.
- Topanga. - Yes, Cory?
So, what's interesting in your life right now?
Well, Mercury is in retrograde...
making projects difficult to complete...
and causing general chaos in the universe.
You know, not only is that unbelievably interesting...
it reminds me of a joke I once heard.
How did the astrologer cross the road?
- I don't know. - In his Taurus.
But I kid the zodiac.
Um, would you like to go...
to Bob Stubcheck's Burger World after school?
Cory, I'm a vegetarian.
Of course you are.
That's why we're just going to meet at Burger World...
and walk over to international House of Salads.
I love IHOS.
Who doesn't?
OK. Gee, I wonder what the sprout of the day is.
Who cares? You can't go wrong...
with a nice bowl of spaghetti and sprout balls.
So, I'll just meet you at 4:30.
OK, it's a date.
A date? Who said anything about a date?
What have I done?
OK. What do you know that I don't know?
Nothing.
- Which kid is it? - Cory.
Oh, I knew it. oK, oK. Let's see.
He's too old to steal candy, but too young to wreck a car.
Oh, no. It's a girl.
It is.
Cory is going on his first date. Isn't that sweet?
Yeah. Poor slob.
What are you saying?
You're his father. You should be proud.
Hey, I've been on the guy side of dating.
I mean, he's fine now, but he's just a little step away from...
huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.
Dating was always fun for me.
I remember talking on the phone to eight different guys a night.
Yeah, well, the only way I survived it...
was knowing that one day I'd be married...
and I'd be calling the shots.
Honey, I'm so sorry things didn't work out for you.
I Wonder if I can still Warn him...
about the minefield he's about to step into...
without ruining his life.
Well, Cory doesn't appear to be suffering like you did.
He's actually excited about this date.
I overheard him telling Shawn...
that he couldn't play basketball today...
because he was going out with Topanga.
Topanga? Cory's always teasing, making fun of her.
Oh, no. This is bad.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Cory, I think this is so wonderful.
Son, this is the stupidest thing you've ever done.
Before I shoot myself in the foot...
which stupid thing are we talking about?
- Your date with Topanga. - What were you thinking?
Everything started getting all fuzzy...
after that telegram movie.
Not the hormonal telegram.
Are they still showing that film?
I cried during that movie.
If it wasn't for that movie, I'd still be twelve.
Yeah, it had a weird effect on a lot of people.
But ever since We saw it...
people are doing really strange things.
Well, you certainly are. You've never asked a girl out before.
Yeah, well, neither did Shawn.
Did you ask Topanga out so you could keep up with him?
Whoa. That's weird.
How did she know?
It's the sorority of Satan.
Well, Cor, as much as I wanted to see you...
go out on your first little date...
I don't think it's fair to Topanga.
As much as I wanted to see it, too...
I... I think your mother's right. You should cancel... now.
Mom, Dad, you're right.
With women, honesty is the best policy.
And he thinks he's ready to date.
Hi. Is Topanga there?
Yeah, I did mean physically.
Hi, Topanga. It's me... Cory Matthews.
You probably remember me from school.
Yeah. Well, listen, when I made this date...
I didn't know it at that time, but now I just found out.
Topanga, I got to be totally honest with you.
[COUGHS]
I got the flu, and I can't go out.
I feel fine about that.
Fall-away jumper at the buzzer. Good if it goes.
Three-pointer! Yes! Sixers win! Whoo! Whoo!
[KNOCK ON DOOR] Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo.
Hi, Cory. How are you feeling?
Uh, clammy. Very fluish. Yeah.
It's very contagious. You better get out of here.
Here. Drink this.
It'll detoxify your aura.
- What is it? - It's called bancha tea.
Smells like a bancha gym socks.
Cory, it's a remedy that's been used for centuries.
"Best if used before Lincoln's assassination."
I just wanted to help you feel better.
I'm sorry if I bothered you.
Wait, Topanga. Thanks for bringing the tea, but...
I don't need to drink it 'cause I'm not technically sick.
Then why did you say you were?
Well, I guess because I didn't know how to tell you.
I'm not ready to go out on a date yet.
That's oK. Jedidiah and Chloe have always told me...
"Listen to your inner voice.
It'll let you know what is true for you."
Yeah. My parents said that, too. only they said it...
without all the planets circling around their heads.
So I'll see you at school?
Yeah, unless Feeny moves my seat.
Yeah.
Well, I guess I better be going.
And I guess I'll be staying here.
May I ask you a personal question?
Sure.
Why are there socks all over your floor?
Oh. I was just practicing.
I envy your athletic ability.
Oh, this? It's not so hard.
Come on, I'll give you some pointers.
All right. First, you grab some ammo.
Ninja turtles?
And now they're gone.
Um, anyway, the key is good color commentary.
If you can live up to your own hype, you got it made.
Watch this.
Matthews sees an open lane. He drives hard to the boards.
He leaps over Shaquille o'Neal, kisses it off the glass!
It's good! He scores!
I could never do that.
Sure you can. Give it a try.
But I'm not familiar with the terminology.
All right, I'll do the color.
You just worry about getting the ball in the basket.
Topanga's triple-teamed at the time line.
She breaks the trap, heads to the top of the key...
and leaps toward the basket, doing a spiraling tomahawk 360!
Slam dunk!
Look. We both made a basket.
Technically, yeah, but, uh...
basketball's so much more fun when you actually move.
All right, you try and make another basket...
and I'll try and block you.
Way to go, Topanga.
Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.
Huh-huh-huh-huh.
It's nice that you help your father with the laundry.
Yeah, well, we're a fairly cutting-edge family...
so, uh, my mom does most of the laundry.
I'm just helping out because Mother's Day is coming up.
So you're doing chores for your Mother's Day gift?
You think I could get away with that?
What are you getting your mom? I could use some ideas.
At our house, we don't celebrate Mother's Day.
We feel it's merely a commercial fabrication...
of the greeting card industry.
She has, however, asked for a dust buster.
My mom's pretty well set for small appliances...
and my funds are sort of limited.
You don't need money. You just need to use your right brain.
Wow. All these years I've been using the wrong one.
So what do you think I should get my mom?
You can never go wrong with something from the heart.
Right or left heart?
You're killing me, Cory.
Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.
- Hey, guys. - There he is... young me.
How was your second date?
- You had another date? - Yeah. My last one.
Ah, second-date slump. I've seen it happen a thousand times.
Not to me.
You know, you know, I'm thinking it's deeper than that.
See, each one of us is born with a certain amount of coolness.
A guy like Minkus could live to be a thousand years old...
and never use a drop of his cool.
Me... I'm a thirteen-year-old burnout.
Shawn, get a grip. You're still cool.
It's just the planet Mercury in retrospect.
What are you babbling about?
Some astrology thing. Topanga was explaining it to me.
Hey, that's right. How was your date?
What date? I didn't have a date. I canceled it.
Oh, come on, Cor. When I got home from work...
you and Topanga were looking pretty cozy on the couch there.
That Was not a date.
She just came over to bring me some aura juice.
And?
And nothing. I taught her how to shoot a basket.
OK, so let's recap. Point "A," she brought refreshments.
Point "B," you chose the activity.
Sounds like a date to me.
Read my lips... there was no date.
We talked about what we were getting our moms...
for Mother's Day.
Aha. Point "C," shared interests.
Sixteen to base. We have a confirmed date. Send backup.
Uh, Topanga?
You and I have to get something straight.
Yes, Cory?
Friday night when you came over to my house...
that was not a date.
I'm not into labels.
Yeah, but if you were...
what we had Friday night would not be labeled a date...
'cause if you'll recall...
the circumstances of that evening...
I canceled What Would have been labeled a date.
That's fine, Cory. It was not a date.
Well, I'll see you later.
OK.
Hey, Topanga?
You know, your idea about writing my mom a poem...
for Mother's Day really worked out great.
She cried.
Tears are the thank you notes of the soul.
You know a lot about women.
Well, I am going to grow up to be one.
Face it. Minkus was right.
Don't you hate it when that happens?
No matter how you look at it...
there's going to be hormones, and there's going to be girls.
Important girls are going to come into our lives...
and stay for days at a time.
You know what's cool?
We made it through our first dates...
and we're still best friends.
And we're going to stay best friends...
through second dates, proms, engagements, marriages.
Second marriages.
Whatever comes along...
we're going to stand here and face it together...
shoulder to shoulder.
- Hi, Shawn. - Hi, Cory.
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